literature

If I Were A Girl - Rydon

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Literature Text

One day, Brendon Urie woke up.... and he had boobs.

"What the?" he muttered, looking into the mirror while
pushing them left, right and centre. "Cool".

Brendon walked out of his room, his red t-shirt barely
fitting his chest.

Ryan was at the kitchen table, sipping coffee when he noticed Brendon.

He did a double-take and spat hot brown liquid everywhere.

"Brendon, what the fuck?!"

Brendon shrugged.

"I.... don't know. I just woke up this morning and I had these!" He shook his chest from side to side, emphasizing his point.

Or rather, points.

Ryan stood, eyes never leaving the lumps under Brendons shirt.

"Are you sure they're real?" he asked, going to poke one but being slapped away.

"You can't touch them! What do you think I am? A whore?"

Ryan put his hands up in surrender. Brendon heard him mutter under his breath, "That's not what you told me last night.."

Brendon glared at him.

"So maybe these are all your fault!" he exclaimed loudly, poking Ryan in the centre of his boobless chest. "Maybe you fucking me last night created some sort of... voodoo that inflated my man - pecs!!!"

Ryan snorted. "Man pecs?"

"YES!"

Ryan nodded. "Sure B. Whatever you say... Would you like me to buy you some tampons as well as a bra?"

Brendon nearly exploded.

"I'm not a fucking girl, Ryan Ross!" he yelled, doing a very angry compulsive movement which made his breasts bounce kind of painfully. "And I don't have PMS either. I have a fucking dick!" He checked down the front of his sweatpants, just to be on the safe side.

Ryan raised an eyebrow at all this, giving brendon a sly smirk that normally sent him to the edge of killing.

All of a sudden Brendon froze.

"Ryan?"

Ryan sighed. "What, B?"

Brendon reached down and pulled at his pants.... revealing... No manly parts, thats for sure.

"RYAN!" His voice was now a squeak as he snapped his pants back in horror, staring wide eyed at the other man.

"You... don't have a dick anymore," said Ryan, bemused.

"Pretty much, yeah," snapped Brendon. The boobs he could deal with, no dick he could not.

Then a horrible pain in his abdomen made him double over, groaning. It felt like he had a really, really,realllllly bad muscle cramp in his... cramp.... oh no...

"Ryan, I'm getting cramps!" he screamed.

"Oh my god!! What do we do?" asked Ryan, not very learned in the ways of womanly matters.

Brendon started bouncing slightly on the spot, shaking his hands. He could feel tears stinging at his eyes.

"I don't know.." His voice was a helpless whisper as he stared expectantly at Ryan. He looked down his pants again and screeched in horror.

"Jesus, Ryan, Jesus! I'm BLEEDING!! For the love of all that's Aladdin, help me!!!"

"Wait, wait! Don't get it on my floor!"

"I can't WAIT, Ryan!" Brendon's face was indignant and the front of his pants was turning red. "Here, give me that scarf you're wearing!"

Ryan gasped in horror and clutched at his neck."WHAT?! NO! NO FUCKING WAY URIE!"

Tears were now escaping Brendons eyes and running down his cheeks. "Please Ryan?! I NEED IT NOW! Unless you want it on the newly polished floor instead!"

Ryan waved his hands around. "NO! Ok, ok, but please, wash it afterwards..." Suddenly he spied a half empty chinese food container on the coffee table.

"Hey, we can use this." He ambled over to it.

"Hurry, Ryan! It's slowly seeping through!!"

"Ok, ok." Ryan arrived with the fast food container. He fumbled with it awkwardly for a moment before setting it on the floor between Brendon's legs.

"What the hell is that gonna do?" Brendon asked.

"You need to take off your pants and let it... um... drip into the container. The rice will cushion its fall!"

If this wasnt such an abnormal situation, Brendon would have laughed at how awkward Ryan was.

"Oh my god Ryan, just go out and buy those.... girly things-"

"Wait! Why do I have to do it! Why can't we call Spencer and tell him about-" Ryan waved a hand at Brendon- "And get HIM to do it? He'd know more about it than me."

"NO. No one else can know about this." Brendon cheeks were starting to grow red. Ryan thought it was rather cute (If you excused the situation).

"Why not?" huffed Ryan. "I can't do this Bren! WHAT AM I MEANT TO BUY? WHAT DO THEY LOOK LIKE? And more importantly- WHAT SIZE ARE YOU?"

"Jesus christ, Ryan. It's not that hard. You need to buy me pads. They look-" he paused -"kind of like little white aeroplanes. And by the looks of it, I'm gonna need the biggest you can find."

"Oh dear God," said Ryan, but he grabbed his wallet quickly, leaving the apartment. Brendon looked on, sadly dripping into a chinese food container.

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Ryan drove like a maniac through the streets of Summerlin. He needed a 7/11. He needed a beer. He really needed a hospital, because his boyfriend was slowly bleeding to death via his vagina!!!

He pulled into the parking lot of a 7/11 and got out of his car so quickly that he slipped and fell straight on his ass. In a moment he was up again, though, and he skittered into the shop like a runner who was metres away from finishing a race.

He barged through the sliding doors, shouting, "I NEED PADS!"

An Asian guy at the front counter started, his mouth hanging open.

Ryan ran towards him, leaning over the counter and pulling the innocent guy towards him by his collar.

"Where are the pads?!" yelled Ryan. "My boyfriend is turning into a woman and has grown boobs! Lost his DICK! AND is bleeding to death! WHERE ARE THE FUCKING PADS!?"

The poor man pointed a shaky finger towards an isle of shower scrubs, shampoos, pads, tampons and other womanly/household needs.

Ryan ran towards them, scooping up as many packets as his thin, twig-like arms could carry, pulled out a 50 and threw it at the guy.

He then ran out of the store and jumped into his car, speeding off towards where Brendon was silently dripping.

"Thank god you're here!" Brendon exclaimed. "The rice wasn't going to hold out for much longer, Ry!"

"I have the pads, don't worry." Ryan stood before his boyfriend. "Do these things come with instructions?"

20 minutes, a teary phone call to Spencer (Well, Brendon was crying, Spencer was laughing his ass off), and three failed attempts, Brendon finally, at long last, had a clean pair of underwear on, with a scratchy pad sitting neatly inside. He and Ryan were sitting on the couch, watching TV.

"Hey, B?"

"Yeah, Ry?"

"Wasn't this the reason I turned gay in the first place?"

Brendon giggled, lightly slapping Ryan on the shoulder.

"You're still gay, and I'm still a man... at least I think I am, anyway... am I?"

Brendon looked towards Ryan, hoping for some comfort and reassurance.

"Yeah. You're still a man... hey, I wonder if you could get preg-"

"Don't EVEN go there, Ross." Brendon glared daggers at him from where he was sitting next to him on the couch.

"But it would be kind of fun to see if-"

"No. NO. And I'm not sleeping with you until this is... all cleared up, okay?"

"No sex? The boobs must go," said Ryan ominously.

Brendon wondered how he would get rid of them.

Ryan then looked intently at Brendon's chest.

"On the other hand, it matches your hips and butt... plus you look really good like this...." Ryan trailed off once he saw the look Brendon gave him.

"No. The boobs are going. I just need to find someone to help me first..."

Suddenly a purple unicorn walked casually into the apartment. Brendon and Ryan gawked at it as it began to speak.

"I can help you, Brendon Urie," it said in a dreamy voice. "Follow me to Candy Mountain, and all your problems will be solved..."

"Don't go, Brendon!" Ryan yelled from the couch, but Brendon was already jumping on the beast's back at the mention of lollies.

"I'm sorry, Ryan. I must go. It is my duty because... I am the Banana King."

Ryan dropped to his knees as Brendon rode out of the apartment, whacking his head on the doorframe as he went...

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"Yeehaaawwwww...." Brendon muttered. Someone was poking him, which he thought was incredibly rude, especially since he was mounted on a unicorn; wasn't that an offence?

"Brendon?" Ryan loomed over him, worried. It was dark.

Brendon looked down at his chest and sighed with relief. He checked his pants as well, while Ryan looked on in bemusement.

"Thank God, Baby. It was just a dream. I don't have inflated man pecs."

Ryan snorted.

"Man pecs?"
A... sort of... drabble... thing? I wrote with my best friend. Brendon wakes up to two surprises sitting on his chest, I guess. Ryan fails at womanly matters, and scares an Asian guy. Yeah.
© 2010 - 2024 PATDslashHERE
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girpikachu21's avatar
OMG I DIED AND CAME BACK TO LIFE TO FINISH THIS AMAZING STORY